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heal broken heart Archives - Aquarian Yogi™

Innocence Is Not Lost – My Story of Sexual Abuse and Yoga

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Imagine you’re sitting at a holiday dinner table with your mother, daughter, niece, an aunt and a cousin. Look around the table at the faces of the women in your life that you love and admire. One of the women sitting at this table has been sexually abused. The statistic is about one in five women. Could this be considered of epidemic proportion?

What about men? This isn’t just about women being the victims. The men deserve equal attention. Why on the whole is it men as the victimizer? Why do they do it, and how do we change it?

The sexualization of girls in children’s shows and in Halloween costumes, the sexual exploitation of women AND men in the sale of items such as cologne, cars, and the mundane and typically wholesome cup of soup, says so much about our skewed and sexualized society. Often the scales are tipped to one end of the spectrum or another – out of balance and misunderstood. Either we are repressing our sexuality, misunderstanding it and saying it’s wrong or outright exploiting it.

We are born sexual beings but many of us are taught that it is wrong to feel this energy; sexual energy, kundalini, the core of the creative force. Even Mary had Jesus through immaculate conception and was blessed enough to to forgo the sin of sex. Sex is psychologically shamed in cultures and religions around the world. Yogi Bhajan talked about the misunderstanding and denial of sexual energy.

Sexual energies are not shameful, they are the force of life and when purified fill us with beauty and radiance. We are born with this energy and we feel it. We grow up asking questions, experimenting in our blindness of overwhelming feelings of misunderstood temptation. This sets us up for tough learning lessons later on.

I have read several articles by yoga teachers having helped students recover from sexual abuse, but not anyone’s personal story and how a yoga and meditation practice helped. So I’ll tell you mine.

My stepfather recorded me taking showers and undressing in the bathroom through a hole in the ceiling where a bathroom fan used to be. I was 15 when I finally discovered it. He would come into my bedroom, which was more his office then my bedroom, and at 4 and 5 am pay bills, write letters, etc meanwhile slamming drawers and doors to purposely make noise to wake me. I was a twelve year old who had to wake up for school the next day. Stacks of adult magazines greeted me the first time I went into the basement, shelves and an office filing cabinet full of magazines with naked women on the cover. I would find him at night, after we had all gone to bed watching adult movies. There was more… but I have painted the picture.

He may have been kind in the eyes of some, but in mine my stepfather was a tyrant. He was mean, manipulative, authoritative and afraid. He was not a kind man to me, but I have compassion because I do understand sometimes people have to fight against who they are, against the hand that they inherited and it is not easy. Society and family genetics can deal us a harsh reality to overcome and find peace in. Some peoples brains just don’t work right from birth. For my own peace of mind I have great compassion for the victimizer and the victim. I think truly no one wants to be a tortured soul. My stepfather is gone now and though I know people who see him in a different light, and I am happy his life had some grace in it, this is my truth. I would wish he, and all have the same opportunity of healing as I do. I don’t think he did, but that grace has fallen to me. I’m grateful every day for it.

Sexual abuse is not just physical. It can be quiet, manipulative, lurking in hidden places shrouded in shadows, feeding on our fear and weaknesses. It poisons families. Growing up I do not remember hearing anything addressed in school, or see much about sexual abuse or the relationship between men and women. Even when the entire fifth grade saw me in a bra accidentally and then greeted me with 50 whistling and hooting kids did any adult come to me and speak to me, or tell them to stop.

Over the years my Kundalini Yoga practice has taken my anger and turned it into radiance. Each breath of life in each meditation, and movement of each kriya has taken a piece of pain and turned it into a light to shine on truth. Kundalini Yoga brings me to a place of neutrality, and acceptance. It has changed me. It has given me courage, healing and hope. It has allowed me to be the forgiving, and kind person I want to be! The only way to know it is to experience. To take the risk, put yourself into the hands of something greater, give yourself totally to it. Trust that you can.

Our April Monthly Free Class is a meditation to Conquer Self Animosity that I have been practicing this past month. I have also been working with the meditation to Burn Inner Anger and the kriya to Relieve Inner Anger with the intention to connect with repressed anger = inflammation in my body, and 11 recitations of Sopurkh. Onward to fully digest all that anger, and emotion!

The yoga and meditation to relieve anger has been powerful and a little painful…but it is worth it. When I have built up my practice of the kriya and meditation for several days in a row I have had intense stomach sensitivity and tiredness, but I feel lighter.

We chant Sopurk to pray for the men in our lives, but also to pray for ourselves. Sopurkh is said to be for soul mates and lovers, but what it does, in my experience is balance our relationship to the masculine energy, clearing and transforming all that may have weighted us down. It has renewed my perspective and released unseen unforgiveness I had towards the father figures in my life, and the men of my past relationships. Find out more about Sopurkh here.

Iv been seeing more clearly how the relationships of my youth has shaped my adult life. They effected my self esteem, ability to make decisions, and made creating a solid foundation for my life challenging. However, I’m very blessed that I have learned through these experiences and people, the person that I do not want to be, and that the divine has provided me with the tools to be who I really want to. A kind, loving, and strong woman.
 

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A Radical Cure For A Broken Heart

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I fell in love once, so deeply in ‘love’. Every part of my body surged with energy. My hands shook. My heart trembled. My body burst into a million stars that lighted up my sky. I dreamed of a future, one I never knew I even wanted. My mind, almost all day, every day was sick with love and dreams. Fragmented, I flowed with these overwhelming feelings in an ocean that embraced me in its watery swells. I had met a man. I fell fast, and I fell HARD.

We walked along the canal in Venice, little twinkles of light bounced of the tiny waves of water lapping against the cement sides of the canal, little angels blessing us. The sound of the waves of the Pacific mingled with laughter and chatter making beautiful music.

It was a dream…that soon became a nightmare, because I drowned. I had actually been drowning the entire time, I just could not see it. I drowned in the darkness that inevitably followed my sweet dream, that sucked the light and life out of my stars, into a black void, my horizon was again pitch.

It has happened to us all hasn’t it? Heartbreak. Still to this day I have an old kind of ache in my heart when I think about it. How it affected my body, my heart was ripped out of my chest when it ended (all three or five times, we couldn’t manage to establish good boundaries, but that is another blog post).

When this happens, we always interrogate ourselves with a mountain of questions – If only things had gone a different way, then I would be satisfied. If only I had done this, or said that, then he/she would not have left. Rubbish, and we know where rubbish goes; in the recycling. That is the egos trick isn’t it? Looking for satisfaction, looking for love, as if it can only be gotten from outside ourselves.

Truth be told it took years to recover from that relationship. In fact I only just recovered, and at the expense of another relationship. Which its failing, I have blamed myself for, and my inability to let go of the past, even though I wanted to and made it a priority to do so. I know both notions are not rooted in truth, or a perspective that will yield nurturing results.

Even though this person has been in my life, a good friend, there was this weight and sadness that lived among the perfect tranquility of an innocent friendship, but it only lived within me, and had nothing to do with our past. But I did something, as I do with all my relationships. I used it to love myself more, to expand my experience of myself, and my strength, and to learn. To heal the separation from the communication and love of my soul. When someone pushes me away, there is one place I will go. To myself. I sit, pray, meditate, and chant. I do whatever I need to use that experience to:

  • Learn strength and compassion. To grow stronger with each disappointment. To face it with love for myself and the other person.
  • Burn baby burn. My karma.
  • To be thankful I even got to feel that way once, twice. Whatever it was, however it was, whomever it was. To remember how beautiful our emotions are. That we must take them all, accept them all, and use them.

Write a song, a book, paint a painting, take a photograph. Take your sorrow and throw it to the wind, let the sun soak it up and turn it into a flower. It’s energy. Be a magician.

Stifling and burying emotion under layers of resentment is a symbolic death of the heart. It blackens and burns it until it eats away at itself, it cries in its cage and weeps to be let free. The heart begs for love, for recognition, and for warm tenderness. Sometimes it is hard to even know how to shower love on ourselves. How can we create that energy if we are so low. Luckily, I have yoga and meditation.

It is possible to give yourself this love and tenderness, any time you are in need of it. And a beautiful thing is, you’re not going anywhere. You will always be your own best friend, and your greatest lover.

 

Our class of the month, all about using that ache of love, to connect with ourselves, and all that is, because all that is, is divine.

Some science…

The heart is a wielder of cosmic energy. The electrical component of our heart’s electromagnetic field is 60 times greater in amplitude then the brain and it permeates every cell of our body. The magnetic component of the heart’s electromagnetic field is approximately 5000 times stronger than our brain and the magnetic field can be detected several feet away from our body. A neural communication network links our heart to our brain and body and it is this network from which the heart communicates information to the brain and throughout the body via the electromagnetic field interactions. It is the heart that generates our body’s most powerful and most extensive rhythmic electromagnetic field.

Our emotional state is communicated throughout the body through the heart’s electromagnetic field. As we experience different emotions the rhythmic beating patterns of the heart change. Positive emotions of love, gratitude, and appreciation create smooth waves, ordered in coherent beating patterns. ‘Changes in the heart’s beating patterns create corresponding changes in the structure of the electromagnetic field radiated by the heart’. The rhythmic field of the heart has a powerful influence on processes throughout the body. ‘Brain rhythms naturally synchronize to the heart’s rhythmic activity, and during sustained feelings of love or appreciation, the blood pressure and respiratory rhythms, among other oscillatory systems, entrain to the heart’s rhythm.’ It is the heart that generates the pace and pulse of the rhythm of life.

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